The transit of Pluto to my Moon has been so transformative and simultaneously absolutely horrendous; yet the most beautiful transit I could have ever asked for.
I feel compelled to share my story with the world as I remember thinking to myself "why didn't someone warn me". Well, if that's you, know that not every one of us lives the transit similarly as it depends on the condition of your Moon and houses involved, but also know that, this post will probably prepare you for the worst.
Let's dive in by first overviewing how the transit manifests, on a general level.
Pluto square Moon in transit:
- Feelings of insanity
- Compulsive behaviors, addictions
- Irrational fears, intense and uncontrollable emotions,
- Overactive nervous system
- Attachment-panic, constantly activated in freeze/fight/flight/fawn behaviors
- Fear of loss, death. In some cases, actual loss & death
- Fear of abandonment
- Destruction of an emotional bond
- Birth & rebirth (actual or more figurative)
Rewards of transits of Pluto to Moon:
- Emotional maturity
- Emotional resilience
- Emotional power
- Being connected to yourself, to your emotions, to your pain, transmuting pain
- Becoming aware of your emotional needs, asserting your emotional needs
- Transcending fear of death and therefore living life to the fullest
- Transcending fear of change and loss, therefore, knowing real love, freeing yourself off dependent behaviours
- Becoming in control of your emotions vs controlled by them
- Embracing vulnerability, vulnerability as strength
Passages of Pluto
From my personal experience, I really feel the intensity when Pluto is 1° away from the planet it aspects, up until exact impact. The WORST is usually a little before the exact impact, by then you're fully immersed in the energy. Retrograde periods are psychological and allow the integration of trauma.
1st passage: "OMFG". A complete utter shock that leaves you ravaged and with no idea of what just happened. You brush it off to a temporary crisis and put it behind you, but unconsciously, it initiates a process of reconstruction, which you won't even notice. All you know is that, something or someone caused you to feel really panicky and out of control.
2nd passage: Oops I did it again. Pluto is back at it, your life is a wreck and things don't make sense. You're starting to understand a little bit what's going on but you're mostly still clueless and will probably externalize the blame on a situation or person and try to change your circumstances.
3rd passage: When does it stop? At this stage, you might start begging the universe. But the truth is, this is when you're going to put it all together and understand what this is about and find a sense of empowerment. From there on, you'll start rebuilding.
4th and 5th passage if applicable: Reconstruction, integration, building power.
Transit Pluto square Moon: Experience
Pluto has been forming a square to my Libra Moon for the last 2 years, and I already experienced an applying square (meaning Pluto approaches the exact hit to the Moon by direct motion) in 2018, twice in 2019, and I still have some remnants in 2020 but none exact.
When considering transiting aspects in Astrology, you must consider the nature of the 2 planets and the aspects between them. Fairly easy. However, do understand that each person is going to have varying specifics based on their personal chart.
Pluto square my Moon, in a nutshell, brought all of my deepest, most secret, deeply buried fears. It’s truly everyone’s nightmares, as we spend most of our lives trying to forget about our deepest trauma and what frightens us … to death. This is what Pluto does, uncovering every single aspect of trauma, addiction, fear, which is embedded in your Moon. Moon represents our subconscious, our childhood, our emotional needs, and emotional patterns. By essence – Moon represents your subconscious, which means that for the better part of the aspect of Pluto to your Moon, you have NO IDEA WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON.
Pluto triggers you, over and over and over. You’re acting compulsively, you’re irrational. Nothing makes sense. Yet the pain is so incredibly intense. You’re destructive, you sabotage, you act out, you react. It’s entirely possible that for the duration of the aspect, you will periodically go back to a 5 years old emotional age, because that’s probably where the root of the pattern is, and that’s what Pluto is trying to uncover. If your childhood was really happy and calm, you might experience this at a much lesser degree.
During the first hit of Pluto to my Moon, I had my first panic attack. I couldn’t comprehend what was going on, and showed up at the ER, thinking I was having some sort of seizure or heart attack. The diagnosis fell – I was to take anxiety meds and go home tuck myself in bed because I had a panic attack. I was dumbfounded – why would I get a panic attack? What was panicking about my situation – I was simply going to the Apple Store change my phone, why on earth would I panic?
This is usually what happens on the first hit of Pluto. You’re being shocked, electroshocked almost, but you have no idea why. I spent the next 3 weeks having night terrors and panic attacks, which was enhanced by the fact I was being harassed and bullied by my female landlord – which was in itself absolutely irrational (Moon rules domesticity and housing + female figures)
I felt unsafe, which is usually the whole point of a Pluto-Moon transit. I felt suffocated, literally, by the amount of pain and overwhelm I was experiencing, which was entirely incongruent with the reality and the facts.
Because this made no sense, I felt absolutely compelled to start accumulating an incredible amount of knowledge when it comes to psychology and the brain, the nervous system, and understand what / why / how to cope with all of these overwhelming feelings. I had no idea at the time, but I had embarked on an incredible journey of emotional transformation and maturation. All I knew at the time was that I had pain and it needed to be acted upon.
On the second hit of Pluto, it’s my relationships (Libra Moon) which started to truly suffer. I had developed incredible fears, ambivalence, and irrational and compulsive behaviors. I was acting out, beyond common sense, and I couldn’t understand what was driving my erratic behaviors and emotions. Of course, no one could help me, because the source of my behaviors was so deeply buried in my subconscious - only a qualified therapist, and I would argue, one who is trauma-informed, would have been able to help me (note: If you have this transit, I cannot insist enough on how beneficial and probably mandatory it is that you involve yourself with self-healing + assisted healing. Both are necessary).
I’m self-sabotaging, acting out of alignment, I don’t understand why I do the things I do, and nothing seems to be satisfying me emotionally. I perpetually try to change my external circumstances – the overwhelming feelings and fears associated with the transit would stop?
Spoiler alert: It's an inside job.
The energy followed me anywhere I went, no matter what I did, no matter what choices I made.
It might sound obvious for someone who isn’t going through the transit, but Pluto – Moon brings such incredible pain, which is not only mental, spiritual and emotional but also physical – that one is compelled to act compulsively, just to get rid of the pain and fear.
Pluto retrograded over my Moon again, and so I doubled down on my internal quest. More knowledge, more reflection, more search. Again, at the moment you don’t realize it, but I was opening myself up to all of my inner-being. Suddenly, I could feel my emotions, at all times. I could feel them, name them, and be with them. Although incredibly painful, I was there with them. Instead of biting my fingers compulsively, I would say "Oh, I feel fear".
Pluto went over my Moon for the third time – and the panic attacks started again. But this time, I had accumulated such an incredible amount of emotional skills and knowledge, things were different. Finally, I was able to understand what was the source of my fears – I was terrified of loss, terrified of my own emotions, terrified of my pain, terrified of death. If you asked me at the time if I was afraid of dying – I would tell you I’m not. I don’t think about these things, nor am I concerned with any of it. Yet, in the midst of these panic attacks and these incredible fears, what I was fearing, was death, abandon, loneliness – and in the moment, they all felt like the same thing. Loneliness = death ; abandon = death. When you get into how the brain works, you start to understand why, but you also need to be feeling your own feelings to discover that, and chances are, perhaps you weren’t before Pluto transited your Moon.
In the midst of all this craziness (I did consider I had lost my sanity a couple of times and really, really wondered if this was the end of me as I knew it), I didn’t realize I had become an entirely new person. I was now aware of my emotions, aware of other people’s emotions, aware of my fears, and much more aware of what drives my behaviors, why I do the things I do, why I feel compelled/addicted to certain things and behaviors. I had developed a greater capacity for intimacy and vulnerability, and I had stopped using defensiveness – which allowed me to be more mature, more attuned, more present for other people.
I had an incredible capacity of insights as to why I acted the way I did in my relationships, why other people act the way they do, and I found the strength to have compassion and empathy for myself and others.
I had found a much greater capacity to be emotionally resilient – something I thought I was, but really wasn’t, Pluto has this habit of breaking down what isn't strong enough.
Pluto – Moon strips you of all your defenses, it strips you of all the things you use to avoid feeling, and the more you resist, the more your chart shows a tendency for resisting feelings, the greater the shock.
Pluto – Moon made me pray when I’m not a prayer, it brought me to my knees, literally, it made me think I had lost my sanity. Yet – it also brought me everything I had asked for, without realizing what it would entail: Shedding my fears, being more loving, being more mature emotionally, connecting deeper with other people and myself, and being more real.